Left of Center

05:59 pm

It had to happen I guess. There are dishes in my sink. There is stuff all over my living room & I don’t even want to talk about the bathroom. I’m up 17lbs…. my skin has erupted and I am mostly broke all day. There are upsides I am back in school I have a new car and I got a promotion & raise. So it’s not all bad. I’m not even feeling overwhelmed I’m feeling pissed off. I should not be in this position. I should have emergency money in the bank and I should be eating properly if I were doing just those 2 things I would be in such a better position. My clothes are tight and I’m uncomfortable, my hair is not pretty - no more hair cuttery for me, ever! And you know what? I am going to have to stop whining. That’s not going to do me any good anyway. No problem ever got solved by bitching and moaning. I just have to make a pan and stick to it. No matter how tired or how much I want chocolate.

I can do this. I just have to step back and focus. I used to be quite good at that. I’m pretty sure I can be again.

05:26 pm

Frustrating day. Like you would not believe, mostly because I wouldn’t believe it. It was like coitus interruptus or premature ejaculation. It built and built and then it just came to a screeching halt and we were fucked. Only not in a good way. Christ what a mess. So I ordered comfort food and I’m totally taking a bubble bath later. I’m going to shave my legs and under arms and soak myself in a frothing tub with some meditation music playing and a candle- that should do it.
Also after dinner & the tub I’m going to crack open the Jack. And with any luck I’ll be in bed by 10ish. The only thing better would be to finish the fucking without the premature ejaculation… Oh well maybe some other time.

10:22 pm

I don't usually give myself presents for Holiday's. Ok Sometimes I will use the occasion, whatever it is, to justify splurging on extra's I could so without. This year I am giving myself an actual Christmas present. I am giving myself The Firm. I am currently back to the heaviest I have ever been. I feel conspicuous when I walk down the hall, like my stomach is leading the way. Everything is sticking out more, I can rest my roll on the desk. It's really pretty depressing. I can't believe I let myself go this much. BUt I suppose that's the way it goes when you lose focus. It's been a rough 2 years but I am ready to get myself back together. I thought about it long and hard before I ordered it. It took me 3/4's of a day to decide to go through with it. I wasn't going to spend 70 bucks unless I was sure I was going to use them. I didn't want to waste the money or set myself up for self condemnation. I thought about it and I realized that I am seriously ready to get back on the ball. I can see myself working the program, I can see me in shorts and a tank hopping up and down on the steps. Working up a sweat and drinking gallons of water to make up for all the sweat I'm sure my carpet wont be able to soak up. I'm ready for it to hurt, I'm ready for the aching and the, maybe I should wait until tomorrow... you know the drill. The I can stop after 20 minutes cause that's good enough. but I am going to do this I'm going to fight the natural sloth state of my nature because I want to be healthy, I want to be thin and I want to feel like I'm beautiful. When I was working out regularly and getting results I felt sexy and beautiful and alive. I want that again. I want people to notice when I walk in a room for the right reasons. I don't expect that I'm suddenly going to turn into Angelina JOlie, but I do expect to feel proud.

09:45 pm

I woke up Sunday morning at 9 O’clock feeling good. The day dawned with promise and potential. I took an invigorating shower, shaved my legs without so much as a nick and dressed. Did the laundry and made a list of books to pick up at the Barnes and Noble. I had visions of an iced peppermint mocha latte, several good books and a quick trip to my brothers.

I decided to try a new shortcut one of the guys from work told me about. I ended up going the wrong way on 130 and making the U-turn to get myself to Deptford. I looked down and realized I should probably get gas. That’s the thing about Promise and its bitch Potential, they are there you just never know if they are for good or bad. So I pull into the gas station and put down the passenger side window cause the attendants these days are too lazy to walk around. You know when I was little they would come around to the driver and say sir and clean your windshield; yeah I know it aint the good old days anymore. Anyway he takes my credit card along with my order and I wait. I notice the guy across from the pumps glancing my way and I glance back and that’s it- I swear. I didn’t even entertain any lust filled fantasies. I just assumed he was married and left it at that. So if his wife in absentia put the voodoo on me she can let it go, He wasn’t even that good looking.

So I’m pulling out of the gas station and the window will not go up. I go to the bookstore because that’s the plan and what else am I going to do I’m on the highway right? I pull in to the parking lot and get out my owners manual, call my brother to see if he has any ideas Hopefully less doom filled than mine. That’s a negatory good buddy, I pull the fuses- they were fine the window wont go up and my, doesn’t it look grey outside?

I make the decision to go in the bookstore and get the stuff on the list anyway because I’m going to need something to read while I’m at the mechanics anyway right? In I go. Searching the aisles. Wtf? Not one single book on the list is on the shelf. Not 1. Ok fuck it, head over to the Starbucks counter to get the peppermint mocha latte to discover no peppermint. Fuck Promise and her bitch. The potential here is sucking. I get a raspberry mocha latte, which was kinda sucky even though they usually aren’t and head over to the Sears Automotive. I didn’t think they would be able to fix what ever is actually wrong with my car but they may have been able to put the window up so I could head to my brothers with dignity and get to the dealer later as they are not open on Sunday at all.

I pull into the mall and it’s like a military campaign, there is a perimeter set up with Police and firemen all over. I go around looking for a way in and quickly realize it’s not happening and now it’s reaaaally grey out. OK, to the Target because I know when I’m beat. I go into the target and find duct tape, in this clear/white variety, a cheap drop cloth and the search for scissors took a little longer than it should have but there you go. I get in line with only 1 person already rung up to see her leaning over writing. Paying with a check, for fucks sake who uses checks anymore? So I go to the 10 items or less line and check out wicked fast and get stuck behind the slowest moving althlete in the world. Of course he’s side by side with the wife or whatever and they have this big thing in the cart. I finally get around them and speed across the parking lot cause now it’s grey and leaking outside. I cut the drop cloth and open the tape and get a move one securing it for 80mph drive to my brothers. The last thing I want is flapping or ripping off and get it on and taped and it’s tight and I drive to the brothers with the radio blasting in the attempt to ignore the crazy sound coming from the passenger side window, also visibility is like 60% and I don’t like it. The fripping sound was insanely obnoxious and I could feel all the muscles in my neck and shoulders ratcheting up several notches but I made it. I made it to my brothers, I made it home and into work and after a wrong turn into the dealers at lunch and now I wait for them to call me with the damage report.

3:30- Still waiting

4:18- after waiting on hold for 5 minutes and being hung up on I finally get to talk to someone who says unfortunately we couldn’t get to it today- we’ll do it in the morning. That’s works out so well for me cause it’s not like I need my car- I just have it for the hell of it. You know that whole getting to work thing is so optional. Fuck fuck fuck! Oh there it is, I haven’t felt that in a while. It’s that extra special blood pressure spike, the one that has your eyes twitching. Livid, that’s the word.

10:03 pm

Sometimes I wonder why I do things, even though deep down I already know the answer. Things like allowing myself to balloon up to 258 lbs, just short of my all time high of 265. Why did I spend all of my tax refund on “stuff” instead of saving it for a house? Why didn’t I say no I don’t want a cookie when mom asked me? The answer is obvious right? I’m totally punishing myself… but for what? Because I lived? Because I didn’t try to talk Dad into another round of chemo or because I told him it was ok to go? That he didn’t have to fight anymore? Well that doesn’t make much sense because to tell you the truth If I had tried to talk him into fighting it would have made me selfish pond scum and no one wants to be pond scum of any sort. So I don’t feel bad about that. I don’t feel bad about telling him we would be alright. I don’t feel bad that I dropped my life and moved back home. I don’t feel bad that I took a couple of nights off and stayed at my apartment when mom was home. So I don’t feel bad about the whole death experience. I think I just miss him. I’ve been sad this whole time because I miss my Dad. He used to call me every day and say, “what are you doing?” Working, “then what are you doing answering the phone?” it’s not the same when mom calls me cause she talks for like 20 to 30 minutes at a time dad was like a 5 minute deal and done. So I guess ultimately I’ve been a pressed Rabbit as Bobby would say. And using any excuse I could find to eat or skip out on friends and focus solely on work and just keep myself buried. Well that’s s over.


I danced tonight, Also I got on the scale and made my lunch for the week and baked brownies for the guys at work and cooked dinner. I weighed in at 251.4 and I have to say that was a relief, cause I feel fat. 260+ fat and I’m glad to know it’s in my imagination. I made a nice healthy chicken salad for lunch, Fat free mayo, boiled chicken red peppers and basil… looks great should rock. Dinner was French toast so not so healthy but I didn’t eat badly during the day so I figure it all balances out.

I got my ears re-pierced, I am currently sporting cubic zirconium studs that are quite sparkly. Yeah ok it’s true I didn’t pick them out, I picked out gold hoops but the post was too short, so the piercer grabbed some studs… I thought they would be simple gold balls, Apparently not. Strangely enough they suit me.

I’ll admit I’m ready for the fucking rain and snow and miserable weather to stop. It’s April. April. It’s time for Spring, gardens and sunshine and sitting on the balcony having a cup of tea at night… not Nor’easters. The Cooper River flooded my street right up to my landing… I took pictures, cause I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Lily has moved in with a nice young man from Craigslist. She seems happy there and I have no more hairballs or pissing in the bathroom incidents. So everybody wins.

12:24 pm

All I have ever wanted was someone to love me. Someone who wants to be with me, someone who will bring me soup when I’m sick. Someone I knew I could call and ask for help without being a bother. I know my friends love me but I wouldn’t call them for chicken soup, they live too far away and I would feel like I was imposing. Which intellectually I know is crazy, but that’s how I feel. What I’d really like is someone I feel comfortable being myself with. Someone who wants to hang out with me, who returns my calls and replies to emails. I want someone who is in to me. I want someone who pursues me, I don’t want to be the one who has to do all the work.

I want to cook for someone, and snuggle on the couch. I want someone who makes me feel more special than I am. I want to be with someone who will ask me if I went to the gym and not make me feel guilty if I decided to skip it. I want someone who will encourage me without condescending to me. I want someone who’s idiot friends make me crazy, but I’d still love them because they are his idiot friends.

I’m tired of meeting people who are too busy to call me. Who send me an occasional email asking me to be there and never getting back to me if I say I will. I’m so tired of the game. Of (in my irrational moments) thinking maybe I’d done something wrong, or didn’t read the situation right. Of wondering what is so wrong with me that I can’t get the guy to call me… Of wondering what wrong with me for thinking like that. The world doesn’t revolve around me, and maybe he is just busy, or maybe he does have a girlfriend he neglected to tell me about and maybe that shouldn’t matter. Those are things beyond my control and I have to believe I am worthy of love an affection even though I haven’t had any luck with that yet.

I don’t know if it’s me or just the people who are attracted to me, that I’m attracted to. I don’t suppose there is really anything I can do about it now, I’ll have to pay closer attention to details in the future. I’m just so tired of the game, I don’t understand why we have to play them.

11:10 pm

I can’t handle it. I don’t want to hear about what grandma said or hoe depressed she is, or how she is making you miserable. I don’t want to hear that you think “Fuck you” when people say “merry Christmas” to you. I don’t want you to cry in front of me. I’m tired of being the strong one. I’m tired of being Julie freaking cruise director. I am so tired of being in charge of making sure everyone is ok.

Do you have any idea how stressful it is for me? Do you know how hard it is to be up all the time. And don’t ask me what’s wrong when I sigh. You don’t really want to know. You need a rock to cling barnacle like too. You don’t want the rock to turn to water and rush away from you with the tide.

You all expect me to take care, of it and you and this and that and everything else in the world and I just don’t have the energy to do it. I want someone to hold me, someone to make me forget for a little while that I have so much responsibility. I just want a minute to relax. I just want a fucking minute.

Of course I’m writing this because I can never say it. I wont ever say it. I have to be strong, on the outside anyway .It shouldn’t always be like this. Eventually she’ll start moving on. I’m just farther along in the grieving process than she is. I suppose that’s because I’ve always been practical. Sure I miss him. And sometimes I get teary when certain things catch me, but I’m not angry. I’ve done that one. I skipped over denial and bargaining. I looked at my dad in the living room one day and knew, bone deep that his cancer was back and that he was going to die. A week or 2 later he went back and we found out that I was right. I think the acceptance came because I felt he’d suffered enough. The depression was more mild then I expected. It sucks to be without him, but I’m still greatful that he isn’t suffering anymore. The anger was the most consuming part for me, but I decided after a month or 2 that I’d indulged it enough. The last one is acceptance and I’m there. It’s not like you really have a choice but to accept it. I mean you can’t say this isn’t happening. This isn’t happening , well you could but that’s the fasted way to get a one way ticket to the insane asylum.

It’s selfish and stupid to cling to I wish I had or why didn’t I? Like my grandmom insists on doing. She wishes she would have some over more, she wishes she had shared this passage of scripture with him, she wishes she’d done this or she’d done that and why couldn’t she … etc. Even if you feel that way, why do you have to inflict it on other people. My mom is so angry still, I know you have to go through things at your own pace but get over it already. It’s unreasonable to be thinking fuck you when people say merry Christmas… My dad died 7 months ago and I get that these things cant be measured in time and that the holidays make things worse, but come on… Maybe it’s because I’m a Scorpio, we tend to be quick with emotions.

Anyway, I’m tired. Tired of the stress and being so freaking dependable. I’m going to get in the bathtub and relax or something. Yes I know it’s only a temporary fix, but a fix is a fix even if it doesn’t last. I will use any means necessary. I am going to get through this, I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can do it, and I will.

09:41 pm

04:18 pm

What do you do when your mother tells you she feels guilty for wanting sex? You don’t know do you? Well I’ll tell you what I did, maybe that will inspire or horrify you either way mission accomplished.

My mom came over yesterday and we had a long talk in which she confessed to me that she thought after dad died she wouldn’t feel anything again. Ok she actually said after dad died she didn’t think…. I had to guess the rest. Damn I’m good. I told her not only was it normal it is not a betrayal. I said you’re 49, it’s practically time for you to either go into heat or have a mid-life crisis so it makes sense. She laughed, that’s how I deal with awkward conversations, Levity is your friend. It’s biological and normal. Then I instructed her to get a vibrator. I said I’d take her, she said no.

Granted I’m not going to take my mother to some sleezy place off 130, I told her there were some really nice places set up like a real bookstore where there weren’t coin operated titty shows. I think I’ll just make the trip alone and get her one for her Christmas stocking.

I think I made her feel better. My mom is not the type to have sex with someone she doesn’t have feelings for, yes we discussed that too. I told her as long as we didn’t make eye contact we would be ok. So we had our chat guy style. She is not ready to get involved with anyone yet so there she is suffering. I should have told her to join the club, after all I had to throw mine away given my latex problem. I will be working on that soon. I just have to find a better bookstore; I’ve found it’s hard to find a sex toy ingredient list online, maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place. Still I’ll investigate. So it’s looking like a magic bullet for the Christmas stocking this year. Oh and lots of batteries.

Yes I’m that kind of daughter.

11:25 pm

I read a story today, one of the last lines was “love is watching someone die.” It’s true. It’s so much harder to watch someone die, to move back in with them, Live with them while it’s happening. I know you’re going home from work that night and he might not make it until you leave in the morning. And then to hope he doesn’t because it’s just too much to ask of him. The doctors gave us 4-6 weeks and my dad was dead in 3. I moved back home immediately, because my mom works nights and we didn’t want him to be home alone. The last week my brother and sister-in-law moved in as well with my niece Alex. We all stayed home from work and we were there when he died. Making sure to treat him like he was alive right up until he wasn’t.

So yes, love is watching someone die. It’s too painful to endure if there is no love there. It’s almost too painful with it. It’s been a little over 6 months now and you do stop being grateful he isn’t suffering. Now you deal with how much it sucks when he doesn’t call you at work everyday and tell you to stop slacking. Now you think when American Idol starts you’re going to be watching it without him, so maybe you wont be able to but you’ll try. When it first happens you think about how much you are going to miss someone. 6 months later you realize you had no idea how much of an impact he really had, there is this huge gaping hole that is never going to go away, nor should it. Eventually it’ll just be part of the landscape, like the Grand Canyon, you’ll appreciate it the memories, his life, that crazy way he used to go do do dooooooow to wake you up or call attention to something, but the edges wont be so jagged. And the memories will be joyful again.

So it comes and it goes, there are days when I am fine and don’t think about him telling my mom she was the best friend he ever had on his death bed, and there are moments when it sneaks up on you. This was my 1st Halloween with out him, in 2 weeks I’ll have my 1st Birthday with out him, and it’s hard and it’s sad but it is life. My life, the life I am going to keep on living with as much joy as I possibly can. I am naturally a pretty happy person, so I’m thinking it’s doable.

I know it is.

08:09 am

When I was a child I used to give oral sex to bananas, of course I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time it was just a fun way to eat them. But now I have learned the truth, you don’t go blind you get allergic. For the past 2 weeks I have been indulging in bananas, blended into smoothies, whole, cut up in ice cream the whole 9. Since I have had bananas my whole life it never occurred tome that would be a problem.

I knew I had a latex problem; I can’t use condoms (I am aware that there are alternative but they don’t make them big enough) because prolonged exposure makes everything itch and swell slightly. I just assumed it was the length of time that was the issue. I went to an allergist, he made me explain everything. And informed me my latex allergy is actually more severe than I thought. And there were a few things I was not allowed to have. No exposure to latex at all, I have to tell all the doctors and what not. No bananas, avocado or kiwi, apparently they are latex fruits. So I have been unknowingly sabotaging myself. All this time I have been blaming shrimp and it was really the guacamole!

Also there is a migraine diet. It didn’t occur to me to look into that because I figured I get migraines, I take Excedrin Migraine and they go away end of story. Well so much for that. There is a whole list of stuff I’m not allowed to have because they trigger migraines. Number 1 on the list is yogurt. For the past 2 weeks I have had yogurt every morning for breakfast and most night’s blended with fruit. And mostly for the past 2 weeks I’ve had low level migraines which I didn’t really consider to be migraines. I always associate migraines with nausea. So there will be no more yogurt, no mozzarella, blue cheese, parmesan, provolone or Swiss, no chocolate, no beer, no sherry, Riesling, sauterne, I’m keeping the Chianti so screw that. No soy sauce, raisins or fava beans. Also, kiss bacon day goodbye. No ham, hotdogs, bologna, liverwurst or other packaged meats. What the hell does that mean? No turkey breast or just stuff that’s packed like sausage? Plus I’m still reeling from the no chocolate so nothing really makes sense anymore. Wait for it, there is more.

No canned or packaged soups, no Mexican or Chinese food. Seriously I had Chinese for lunch the day I went there and if I had known it would be the last time, ok the last time for a while I would have had one of everything, no make that 2 of everything. No corn chips, what’s that about? And does that mean no taco shells, oh wait that’s covered under Mexican isn’t it? Damn! They think of everything. No fried chicken or roast beef sandwiches. The fried chicken isn’t an issue, but I do on occasion like a roast beast sandwich.

Oh wait it says I can have Chinese so long as there is no MSG! A reprieve! Organic here I come! Oh I’m also not allowed to partake in Liver, Dried Fish or Pickled Herring, as you can tell I am heart broken about these ones.

Turns out I really could die from a bee sting so now I have an epi-pen. I had a blood test where they harvested 6 vials of blood, the better to test me with I guess. I go back on the 24th for venom testing and my doctor is thrilled that I’m such an interesting case. I’m a little less thrilled but I guess it’s better to be interesting, he’ll pay better attention to me. He said he can’t wait for the interns to meet me, as I have almost everything wrong that can be wrong. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I guess it’ll be interesting. And it’ll probably cost a fortune. The upside will be if I can get rid of them, at least some of them anyway.

08:28 am

So my new doctor is trying to kill me. I have been really tired lately, but I chalked it up to illness, working late, running around too much. You know the way we always do when we’re too tired. I was going through my medical stuff for my up coming allergy appointment and I looked at my original dosage of blood pressure medication and the new prescription that I have been taking for a couple of weeks is double the original. It’s the new doctors 1st time ordering me meds and I guess she typed it in wrong or whatever. So I spent part of last night cutting my pills in half. My blood pressure has been fine, my labs came back great so there is no reason to change it. Plus I was feeling really tired, like really tired. Sleeping all weekend and still tired tired. It was not pretty.

Also I think it’s unfair for the allergist to make me stop taking my allergy stuff before the test, all I can smell is rust today, I assume from my shower. I have a headache and I am all sinusy. Hello! I’m coming to you so you can fix me not make me worse before I get there. Apparently I can not go 3 days without my medicine or I am miserable.

02:16 pm

Sex makes the world go round, until it brings it to a screeching halt. Sex is fun and powerful and mind blowing that is until you don’t have it anymore. When you aren’t getting it it’s the enemy, popping up in every commercial, Cialis my ass. Christ there’s even sex in my yogurt. Everyone on tv is getting it, except for Daniel, well Jack is out of town you know. Still you see the couples everywhere holding hands exchanging longing looks. You know where they are headed and you vaguely even remember what they are going to be doing.

So you think fine, I can handle this. I’m independent, I have batteries! But then you start and what pops in your head? The same thing as last time only last time you were with someone so you thought about what they did to you and how it felt and that girl in the park watching the two of you… yeah ok you made that last part up but that’s the whole point right? But you cant keep using that image the point is to move on, go forth, pray to god that you find someone who can fuck better than the last one or you know you’ll be answering the phone when he calls out of the blue in 6 months just because he made your legs shake and your throat sore from the screaming. Anyway.

As I was saying sex makes the world go round when your having it and when your not, everything sucks. The cute little hallmark kiss kiss bears? We did have a kill cupid party, bitter much? That sweet romantic setting is just fucking annoying and why can’t I see my menu? Oh and another thing, - well you get the point

It’s my own fault really; I knew I wasn’t going to keep him. I just figured I’d find someone else before he disappeared. Plus it didn’t help that he was that good. So turn the goddamn lights up and let me read all about the freaking salad I’m having for dinner. After all I need to get back to my fighting weight, I think I was there in 3rd grade, it didn’t stick around though. So I’m working the health plan and not exercising, well I did sprain my foot but more importantly I’m not getting any and I’m gonna crack soon. Or not, wait I do have batteries and I can come up with a plan that doesn’t involve a big dick and that tongue.


I know I can.



Really.



Ok maybe not.
But, I can pretend it’s Teal’c.

09:32 am

Things I learned this weekend

• If I am cold there is a reason [insert getting sick here], especially in my
office in the tropics.
• Always pick the flats over the sandals even if they are hotter.
• Grape Gatorade and yellow stomach acid make green.
• Drinking while ill is inadvisable, Pay attention so you know when you’re getting
sick.
• Always bring a change of clothes even if you aren’t planning on staying over, and
pajamas.


Evidently I had been getting sick this week. Looking back on it now makes perfect sense, I was cold all week in the office that is notorious for being hotter than the outside temps. Clue number 1, yeah I missed it.

So Friday night I have a 4 of shots of Jack and a peach schnapps & kettle one. And we’re dancing waiting for Chris and Christopher to show up and while they were there I started to feel a little funny but I thought it was just because it had been so long since I’ve had anything to drink. Clue number two, ok missed that one too.

Have no recollection of the cab ride, remember not getting into the club, do not remember anything after that until I woke up naked on AM’s couch the next morning. I do hate it when that happens. The naked was because I didn’t bring any extra clothes with me, (see new rule above) I’ll admit I was a little concerned until I remembered not getting in and figuring they just brought me back to AM’s. I got up to go to the bathroom and my foot was killing me, I couldn’t figure out what had happened, then I looked at it and said oh fuck. I had sprained it really well. It was all big and puffy and there were a couple of cuts and I probably should have gone to the hospital or at least the doctor but I felt so bad. I was so sick. I couldn’t eat anything I drank a little purple Gatorade and a pizza crust and after holding it in for several hours decided to just go ahead and toss it up. Green, it was quite unique.

Am and I watched the family stone before that and it is not a comedy, it’s really a very good movie but I wasn’t quite up to dealing with it, given the subject matter.

So we ended up napping and I woke up for second hand lions. Which I think I love, I left AM’s around 7 I think. I hobbled down the steps and to the car pretty easily. Of course I sprained my clutch foot, after I got the stick car, how funny is that? I made it to Walgreens for Tylenol and an Ace Bandage. I tried to get crutches but they only had youth ones 5’-2” indeed. I grabbed some water and Gatorade, light purple this time. And went home. Where I took my temperature and realized I really was sick- yeah clue number 3 -I got this one. So I has my water and went to bed.

Sunday I missed Odin’s birthday party. I was very upset about that but I decided to keep my foot up and the Advil/Tylenol coming. I stayed on the couch all day and ordered a pizza for lunch and dinner so I wouldn’t have to move and don’t you know the delivery boy came to the back entrance just so I’d have to walk farther… serves me right I guess I should have told him to come to the front door. I know pizza doesn’t fit in with my new health plan but I’ve decided to look at it this way- anything bad I did on Friday, which was only the alcohol I threw up Friday night. Everything I tried to eat Saturday morning, same thing. I only had like maybe 500 calories in total all day after that cause I was just off. So Sunday I had pizza a medium one, and a cherry coke and some yogurt and fruit so all in all it wasn’t that bad.

My only problem for today is I really need to go to the grocery store and get yogurt for breakfasts, and some more fruit. But I have a feeling after having my foot down all day I am not going to feel like going. Too bad I guess, I don’t want to screw this up just because I hurt myself. I guess I can hobble up and down the aisles. It can’t kill me, plus I can use the cart. The only really bad thing is I never did get my Starbucks this weekend.

02:40 pm

Hey Larry!

Your calls are NOT so important we all need to hear them on the speakerphone. Also we dont need to hear you dialing or the buzz when people hang up on you! Got it?

Dumbass

02:23 pm

My horoscope says today is the day, for what I don’t know. Some kind of change I guess, well I’m ready. I’ve been restless lately and it’s affecting everything. Chafing against a lack of money and entertainment, the restrictions I have willingly placed on myself and the zero sex policy I seem to have fallen under. I’m not quite sure how that happened. Must be a plot The Man is out to get me, wait that’s not right. I guess he’s not out to get me. I’m going to need to remedy that. Maybe my new health regimen will help me with that. After all if you feel sexy you are sexy. Same thing goes for hunger but I’m trying not to think about that.

I always know I’m in trouble when I start re-arranging furniture. The bedroom had to be done because of the air conditioner, but the kitchen was pure restlessness. The living room I haven’t done yet but its coming, I can feel it. Yeah I know me and Phil Collins.

04:39 pm

Who knew weddings could be such a traumatic event? I suppose it wouldn’t have been so traumatic is my favorite preacher hadn’t needed to explain why he wasn’t at my father’s memorial service. In my head I was like good job! Way to put me in the wrong state of mind for this, thanks.

The first thing to really get me was the unity candle. All I could think was I can’t do one of those. Of course I could just have my mom light the candle but how would she feel walking up there alone? So I got a little teary but managed to choke it back.

The next thing to get me was when Uncle Tim told her he had to get gas in her car and that reminded me of something my dad would do. And I thought about how I would never have that moment, mine was never going to stand next to me in a tux while I’m trying to keep my dress from under his feet. He was never going to get to say good luck, or have fun or ramming speed or whatever he might have gone with. I’ll never know.

So that one was hard, but worst of all was the father daughter dance I had hoped I missed. Fuck you Tim McGraw, that song would have made me cry all by itself let alone coupled with the father daughter dance.

So the wedding was a bit much for me, I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was but the next one will be better.

09:59 am - the wedding sock

I have never been to a wedding where I have been offended before, I’ve been bored, sad, happy excited, nervous, even a little squicked (once a preacher gave us a sex ed lesson) but I have never been offended. Until now. Congratulations Jamie, a wedding first for me.

I should have known it was going to be bad when he kept repeating marriage was made for a man and a woman. I should have gotten my carabineers out. We never really moved away from gay bashing but we included single bashing in the mix as well. When he started out with “It’s not good to be alone,” I thought, here we go. He quoted Ecclesiastes, the whole 2 is better than 1 deal. The best part was when he pulled out a sock and handed it to the groom. He said his washer ate the other one, so this one was useless. Without a mate the sock is useless and without the bride you are the sock. So because he was married he wasn’t useless and he should be grateful to her because she saved him from that.

The single people in the audience are all useless socks and we’d better hope the washer didn’t eat our mates too or we will always be useless. My mom and I talked after all the clean up, we were in the pool and she said she was a little offended. I said me too. She said just because my husband died, I’m useless? She said I did the till death do us part and now what do I get, to be a sock? I said that’s right. Apparently we aren’t worth anything by ourselves. So your state of grace is over.

I understand that it’s a wedding and you want to extol the virtues of marriage but you do not have to bash the single state to do it. You should not make the single people at the ceremony want to go home and slit their wrists. You should not tell us we are useless because we don’t have a man, or woman as the case may be.

I don’t understand why people don’t think things through. If he had had anyone with a brain to proof that ceremony they would have pointed out that he was being a jackass. Of course if he were going to do that he would have probably shaved his face and gotten a haircut but he seems to be going through a hippie kind of phase. I don’t get it, and I don’t want it.

However I also don’t want my momma to feel useless because my dad died and he implied she was. Ok he said she was. She at least was smart enough to disregard it as stupidity on the preachers part. She felt much better after we talked about it though.

Weddings are supposed to be a celebration not a condemnation, at least not for the witnesses, the bride and groom can worry about themselves they after all are the ones that got us into it.

08:24 am

Went to bed at 10. read for an hour. Tried to sleep. Got pissed off because I couldn’t sleep. Sat up to, gonna go to the bathroom, started to take a drink first. Bug on rim of glass. And that’s all it took I went from pissed off to livid in about a half a second.

I am grateful that my apartment complex replaced my old crappy air conditioner with a newer slightly dull one (matte finish, who gets that?) However I am pissed off that they did not finish the job. The new AC does not fill the same hole as the old one. I can see daylight all around it and the bugs are getting in. I HATE bugs, I don’t like it when they crawl on you and make you feel itchy, I don’t like it when they skitter across the wall and I especially don’t like it when I try to drink one.

Tried to go back to sleep. Too worked up to even attempt it now. Got up wrote a note for management, asking when they were going to finish it up. I didn’t mention the fact that it’s hideous, with the trim ripped off and the paint peeling and the gaping hole in my wall. I didn’t mention the guys left my apartment a mess cushions on the couch stuff moved around, stuff on the floor, stupid Styrofoam. I just said the bugs were getting in to my apartment through the hole and when could I expect them to finish.

It has been over a week. I just cant live with bugs, for me bugs equal dirty. And I am not dirty, well not like that anyway.

Of course I didn’t have time to drop the note off because I was so worked up I couldn’t fall asleep forever and ended up sleeping through an extra snooze. I barely made it to work on time. Maybe I’ll just call them, probably they wouldn’t be able to read my rage induced midnight writing anyway.

10:05 am

Ooops, I scared another one away. I wasn’t even trying to, not really. I just asked him if he would be interested in getting healthy. Apparently not.

I know what I need, I need someone who will help me get off the couch not sink in for another scintillating hour of television. I’d like someone who is, or really wants to be healthy, I don’t want to date someone who is always sick or ends up in the hospital every 6 months.

Realistically I don’t think that’s a problem. My mom spent ½ of her marriage in and out of hospitals with my dad as did my brother and I. I do not want to do that again. I don’t want to get involved with someone I know is going to die before me. If it happens it happens, but my mom spent 10 years waiting for it, knowing it was coming. I can’t do that. So I’m not going to knowingly sign up for it myself.

So the 350 pound bowler with his 16 pound ball who shaves once a week is out, because he isn’t interested in working out with me or getting himself healthy. Plus I’m really not attracted to him, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and cultivate a possible friendship- oh well what is one to do?

Next!